And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
Beer-lieve it or not!
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Fairies just wand to have fun.
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?
Snap cackle n' pop
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
What do vegetarian zombies say?
Graaaiiinnss!
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
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