Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
You really mermaid my day.
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Who is the wasps' favorite singer?
Sting.
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
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