What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
You're acute Valentine.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
We’ll have a ball.
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
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