I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
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