Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
I love you from my head tomatoes.
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
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