Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
Thin grippy thick slippery.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
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