How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
We make a great pear
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.
"I mead more wine."
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
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