How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
What is a werewolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
You’re my pot of gold.
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
Go to BabaMail
