A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
I think therefore I yam.
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
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