What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
What title did the car have in the Navy?
Rear window Admiral.
Better read than dead.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
It's lit.
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
4G, or not 4G, that is the question.
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
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