Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
It's a-boat time for a holiday!
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
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