My dog ate my computer science homework.
It took him a couple of bytes.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
Its ok to kiss a nun....
But don't get into the habit.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
Air resistance is a real drag.
"Having a good hare day."
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
Why was there a troop of gorillas protesting outside the biscuit factory?
They wanted to stop the production of animal crackers.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
The calm before the score
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