What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
All the turtles wore turtle necks to the party.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? Dino-sore.
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
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