Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
When it’s raining, a turtle goes to a shell-ter.
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!
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