Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
You're so clover!
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
Thin grippy thick slippery.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
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