When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
Why was there a troop of gorillas protesting outside the biscuit factory?
They wanted to stop the production of animal crackers.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
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