When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
You’re my #1 pick.
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
The pint’s the limit.
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
The baby beaver sang a song about the river in a video for his friends. He had a good flow.
It’s a beautiful Degas!
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
Which car does the Mensa student drive?
A Smart car.
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
Ann and Andy's anniversary is in April.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
You don't know jack-o-lantern
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!
Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
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