How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
"Eggs-cuse me."
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
Leave poetry to the prose.
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
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