Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
We have great chemis-tree.
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
There are many grounds religious children can practice their soccer skills. However, most of them love the prayground.
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Cows get sad whenever they hear the songs of the pop band 'The Mooooo-dy Blues!'
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
The other day a tree asked for my help with kindling a grass route movement.
I said I wood because it's got a lot growing for it.
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.
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