"You are so bottlefull to me."
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
I loaf you.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
What should you do when you see Frankenstein walking towards you?
Make a bolt for it.
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
You raise the bar.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
This summer is going swimmingly.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
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