Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
"There's no bunny like you."
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
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