Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
I followed my heart to you.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
I like you a latte.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
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