What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
Autumn has given me some of my best memories. I am forever grate-fall for it.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
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