What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
Why did the mouse eat a candle?
For some light refreshment!
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
Ann and Andy's anniversary is in April.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
What is the capital of Greece?
G.
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
Why don't birds make cell phone calls? They might accidentally wing the wrong number.
[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
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