Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
The sun is just a big space heater.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
What time do spacemen get up? Alien in the morning.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
I was really surprised when I learned that singer Pink's favorite color was actually green. No one could have i-magenta-it.
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
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