I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
How do snails make important calls? On shell phones.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
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