General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
Fairies just spell trouble.
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
Get in the swim this summer.
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
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