How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
Who is the wasps' favorite singer?
Sting.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
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