What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
What did the alligator say to the other alligator that was in the way?
“Please move, I need to get bayou.”
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
Why did the teapot get in trouble? Because he was Naught-Tea.
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
Which flower is known as the most ferocious flower? A tiger lily.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
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