What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
- Looks like you are running a femur.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
"You had me at merlot."
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
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