When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
"Great minds drink alike."
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
Ah! The element of surprise.
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