I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
Colors laugh by saying, "Hue Hue Hue."
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
Ana hits a lot of floating shots that her opponents destroy for winners. We need to sitter down and have a talk.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
The reason you will see all the cows lie down when it starts to rain is because they want to keep each
udder dry.
Tropic like it's hot.
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
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