What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
"You are so bottlefull to me."
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
Four smart fellows, they felt smart.
Five smart fellows, they felt smart.
Six smart fellows, they felt smart.
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
Autumn has given me some of my best memories. I am forever grate-fall for it.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?
Snap cackle n' pop
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
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