I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
Look for a rainbow connection.
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
Thirty-three thousand people think that Thursday is their thirtieth birthday.
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
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