How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
Did I tell you about my new girlfriend who also plays football?
Yeah.. she‘s a keeper
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
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