What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
"You had me at merlot."
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
Werewolves love their fast food.
An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him "Cash or Credit , Sir?"
He said "Cheque , mate."
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
It’s party thyme.
I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
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