What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
I whale always love you.
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
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