Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
I like your tight end
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
"What an egg-citing day."
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Birch, please.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
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