I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
Goat milk?
Dublin over in laughter.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
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