I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
I pitcher us together forever.
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
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