So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
My computer was running pretty hot
Until I downloaded some fan art, and now it's working better.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
Today I be-leaf in leprechauns
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
Say what you want about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
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