It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
What dog does Dracula own?
A blood-hound.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
By the seat of one’s punt
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
We have great chemis-tree.
Why did the uncouth spud not stop talking during the football game?
Because he was a common-tater.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
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