Fresh French fried fly fritters
When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
Why did the bunny cross the road? He wanted to prove he could hip hop!
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread.
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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