What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Treat yo'elf.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
I whale always love you.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
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