What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
Can I be Candide with you?
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
Water you doing?
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
. How can you easily identify a dogwood tree? By listening to the bark.
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
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