How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
It takes one to snow one.
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
Case in punt
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
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