Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
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