Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What time do spacemen get up? Alien in the morning.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
What did the beaver say to the river? Meet me around the bend.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Why was the Copper Mountain skier taken to the emergency room?
He hurt his ski bum.
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
I hope for world peas.
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
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