Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
I goat this.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
These puns are turtle-y hilarious.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
Why do cats not laugh at jokes? They take things too litter-ally.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
Poor white splash.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
"You're a real good egg."
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
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