My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.