In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.