When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
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