My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
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