What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
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