My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.