I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
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