Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
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