Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
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Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
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