I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.