I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
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