I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
Only a**holes use bidets.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
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