This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
Go to BabaMail
