What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
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