A zoologist, a doctor, and a politician are kidnapped by an evil psychopath. The psychopath says "I'm going to get each of you to hold a snake for ten minutes, the most venomous snake in the world. If it doesn't bite you, I'll let you go. If you refuse, I'll shoot you." The zoologist approaches the snake carefully, then, using his knowledge, tries to grab the back of the snake's head. But the snake was quicker, and his hand got bit before it got 2 centimeters from the snake. He falls dead almost instantly. The doctor examines the snake, tries to find the best position to stop the snake from being uncomfortable, and holds it. The snake bites him, and he falls over dead. The politician is last up, he just mutters ‘screw it’ and holds the snake. To his amazement, the snake stays still, it doesn't bite him. He holds it for a full ten minutes and is set free.  After he leaves, the psycho looks at the snake and says "why didn't you kill that last one?" "Professional courtesy." Murmured the Snake. 

A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather. He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change." Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a tin of tobacco for my dad, and a handful of my favorite candies, all for about five cents. "Can't do that today, though. No siree Bob!" "Why is that, grandpa?" asks the boy. "Too many bloody cameras."

Once there were three men, Charlie, Mason and Buck, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around Heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." St. Peter looked at Charlie and said, "You, Charlie, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge." Next, St. Peter looked at Mason and said, "You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon." St. Peter finally looked at Buck, and said, "You, Buck, have set a fine example. You did not have s*x until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later, Mason and Buck pulled up in their cars next to Buck's Ferrari, and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Buck?" they asked. "You got a Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?" Buck looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for doing drugs. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday and you better have gotten some results or you're going straight to jail." On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? " "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your sphincter before prison... '"

A blind man enters a bar, carefully, and finds his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes very, very quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blond, and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” “Nah," says the blind guy, "not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Did you know the painter Vincent van Gogh had a very large family? There's his dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop N Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh His Mexican cousin, A Mee Gogh The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Gring Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh The constipated uncle, Can't Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt, ang Gogh The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking, WaytoGogh The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh And his niece who travels the country in an RV, Winnie Bay Gogh I saw you smiling, there ya Gogh!

Two blondes decided to go on a hunting trip to see what it's all about. After a few days camping, they finally bagged a deer and were dragging it by the rear legs back to the truck. But the antlers kept getting stuck in the mud. One says to the other, "This is tough but we only got about a mile left to reach the truck." Another hunter happened upon them then, saw their dilemma and told them, "If you drag the deer the other way, the antlers won't stick in the mud." So the blondes give it try and it worked! The first blonde says, "That hunter was right! This way is a lot easier." The second blonde says, "Sure was, but now we're two miles from the truck."

Three new corpses were delivered to the morgue one day, each with a great big smile on his face. The mortification examines each of them and says who they are and their cause of death. "First body- Frenchman, aged 60, died making love to his mistress, hence the smile on his face. Second body- Irishman, aged 30, won a thousand euros in the lottery, spent it all on whiskey, and died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile on his face." The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?" The mortician says, "Ah, this is perhaps the most unlikely of all. Billy, a farm boy from Oklahoma, aged 25, struck by lightning". "Why's he smiling, then?" "He thought he was getting his picture taken".

SMART ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked.. "Yes or no," she replied. SMART ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." SMART ANSWER #4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." SMART ANSWER #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid re plied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. SMART ANSWER #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2020 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, Or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-azz guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

This is a story about a frog who had a unique and weird love in its heart - for human women. He wanted to meet the princess to make him a prince. Of course, no human girl will touch him. His frog relatives are weirded out and don't want to help him. Eventually he hears of a psychic toad that lives not far away. He makes his way to him in leaps and bounds, and finds him in a little bog. After much pleading, the toad reads his fortune. He tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."  The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"  "No," says the toad, "in her biology class."

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having. All these years? Well, they're gone!' 'No more headaches??' the husband asks, 'What happened?' His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache' 'I do not have a headache' ' I do not have a headache.' Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.' "That's wonderful!' proclaims the husband. His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? ' A little less enthused, the husband agrees to try it and goes a few days later. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!' The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.' He goes back into the bathroom, comes back, and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up, and her head is spinning. 'OH MY GOD!!' She proclaims. Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With that, he goes back into the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying. 'She's not my wife' 'She's not my wife' 'She's not my wife' . 'She's not my wife.' His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business. Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (BEST PRICES!)" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (BEST QUALITY!) The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "Jackson's clothing store (MAIN ENTRANCE)."

Some European explorers were traveling through the Amazon rainforest with some natives as guides... when they started hearing drums in the distance. Puzzled the Europeans inquired, “we hear drums? What does that mean?” The Natives answered, “When drums stop, very bad.” Reluctantly the exploration continues. After 5 minutes the drums had started getting louder and the explorers started getting nervous. “The drums sound closer, and we think they are getting louder! What does it mean?” “When drums stop, very bad.” Doing their best to maintain composure the Europeans kept moving. About 5 minutes later the drums abruptly stop and the explorers panic. “The drums have stopped! What should we do?!” “When drums stop, very bad, now comes bass solo.”

A new mayor of Chicago is chosen. That night, Franklin Delano Roosevelt appears. The mayor asks him "What can I do to make Chicago even greater?". FDR responds: "Do everything for the people". The mayor wakes up startled, and mutters "Lies!" under his breath. The next night, George Washington appears in the dreams of the mayor. He asks "What can I do to make Chicago even greater?", to which GW responds "Never tell a lie". The mayor wakes up startled, and curses under his breath. "That's not possible!" The next night, Abraham Lincoln appears in the mayor's dreams. The mayor asks "What can I do to make Chicago even greater?" Abraham looks at the mayor, scratches his beard, and takes a while to answer. "Visit a theater."

A man finds a magic lamp. Of course, as the deal goes, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie that thunders he has 3 wishes to make.. "For my first wish, I want to be some kind of royalty." the man says. The Genie nods. "Yes, yes. That can easily be arranged." "For my second wish, I want to live in luxury, the most beautiful castle." "It will be done", the Genie agrees. "And I want to be married to a beautiful princess." "I understand", says the Genie, "However, your wishes require a lot of work. But it should be done tomorrow." So the man goes to sleep and when he wakes up, he is laying in a beautiful bed. He looks around and everything is just as he wished. He is a noble, living inside a beautiful castle and next to him a beautiful princess smiles at him. "Oh, you're finally awake, Franz-Ferdinand. We should get up, today we're traveling to Sarajevo."

Three blondes are in front of the Heavenly Gate. Each of the blondes lives a sinful and depraved life of lust and drugs. Yet, after their deaths, they find themselves before Saint Peter. Peter looks at these three girls and shakes his head. Then after a moment, he speaks, "O.K ladies, the Lord as decided to be merciful and give you another chance. I'm going to ask each of you the same question. If you get the question right, God will let you into Heaven. If you get it wrong, it is a Hell you will be a-going." Peter then reminds the girls. "You will each be asked the same question. So if the first girl gets it right, the other two will get it as well, So choose carefully as to who will answer the question first." The girls whisper amongst themselves, and the first blonde steps up, "I will answer first." Peter eyes her over and asks, "What is Easter?" The first blonde thinks about it and answers, "It where everyone decorates their trees and gives each other presents." Saddened, Peter informs her, "I am sorry, but you are wrong." Suddenly a big fiery pit opens up below her and swallows her up. The second blonde steps up. Peter asks the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde smiles and proudly announces, "That is the day when everyone dresses in green, and if you do not, everyone pinches you." Peter looks at here, saddened, "I'm sorry." The pit opens up and then swallows the second blonde. The third blonde steps up and smiles widely, as Peter asks," What is Easter?" The blonde proudly announces, "That is the day when Jesus was betrayed to the Romans, and crucified by Pontius Pilate. When they took him off the cross, they placed him in a large tomb and sealed it shut with a large stone." Peter was surprised, "That is very close. What you described is good Friday. What comes next?" The blonde continues, "Well, the next day they move the rock away, and when Jesus comes out, if he sees his shadow, there are six more weeks of Winter!"