There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
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