How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
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