Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.