The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
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