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This Captain Knows How to Assign Blame

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a big evening ashore. As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted: "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!" The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why. "Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also soiled your pants."

How Much Does He Charge?

A man drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door... A boy, about 8, opened the door. “Is your mom or dad home?” the man asked the boy. “No, they went into town,” the boy replied. “Well, how about your brother Howard?” the man asked. “No, he went with mom and dad,” the boy said. The man stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says: “I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.” “Well,” The man said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my sister pregnant.” The boy thought for a moment then said: “You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

How Do You Pronounce This?

Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyll on the Welsh island of Anglesey, They started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. “LLan-fair-poo-wee…” said the first. “No no – it’s llan-fair-pi-well…” argued the second. “I think we need to ask a local about this,” the third sighed. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, the third asked the blond employee: "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" “Sure!” said the girl behind the counter. She leaned toward them and said: “Burrrrr-gerrrrr-Kinnnnng.”

Did You Get Drunk?

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was terribly cut up. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" He asked, surprised. "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

Worm Puns

How to Get the Husband Hot and Heavy

Two women are talking about their love life over coffee. "I don't know what to do.." groans Margie, "I'm too shy to ask for it, and he doesn't initiate enough!" "Well," said her friend Sharon, "I have a surefire way to start up my husband." "Oh?" asks Margie, "DO tell!" "Well," smirks Sharon, "I just sit next to him and then I slowly put my hand down his pants and say: "My, aren't you cold in there, could use some heating up... works every time!" "You know what, maybe I'll try that." laughs Margie. They meet up again a few days later and Margie is in a terrible mood. "You almost got me divorced!" she says to Sharon. "WHAT? HOW??" Sharon is astounded. "Well, I did what you said, and I stuck my hand down his pants, but it wasn't cold it was already hot!" "So?" asks Sharon, confused. "Well then I asked my husband why the inside of his pants is hot and not cold like Sharon's husband."

Management Knows Best

A Japanese company and a Swedish company decided to have a row competition as a publicity stunt. Both teams trained long and hard. Competition came and the Japanese won by 1 kilometer. The Swedish company's leadership was shocked. But in this major crisis, the leadership showed its value: They wanted a rematch next year so they could save face. The other company agreed. Right away, the Swedish team started to examine the reason they lost. The company created a special task force. After a lengthy examination for several months, the report was submitted that it appeared the Japanese team had one person at the helm and the rest were rowing. On the Swedish team, one person was rowing as the rest were at the helm. After this report, the company decided to hire a consultant to solve the issue. After experts went through the findings of the task force for a few months the judgment was clear: there were too few people rowing and too many people at the helm. Armed with this knowledge, the Swedish company took swift action and the result was that there would be 2 steersmen, 2 senior steersmen, a captain and a rower. In addition, the rower was enrolled in a bonus scheme system to motivate him for better results. So a year went by and it was time for the rematch. Surprisingly, the Japanese won again, this time by 3 kilometers! The Swedish company management knew exactly what to do. They fired the rower due to poor performance, got large bonuses for all managers for their initiative in trying to solve the issue and for next year, they decided they would try to design a better boat.

What Did You Do on Earth?

Three people die; a doctor, school teacher, and the head of a large insurance company. When met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the doctor, "what did you do on Earth?" The doctor replied, "I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free." St. Peter told the Doctor, "You may go in." St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, "I taught educationally challenged children." St. Peter then told her "You may go in." St. Peter asked the third man, "What did you do?" The man raised his head and replied, "I ran a large insurance company." "You may go in..." said St. Peter. The man happily walks forward when St. Peter adds: "for 3 days."

Puns

How Could You Afford That?

Three politicians become friends after meeting each other at functions. One is from America, the second from Russia and the third from Brazil. The American politician decides to invite the two others to his home. When they get there, the first thing he shows them is his Rolls-Royce. "Beautiful isn't it?" he asks them. "Hmm, yes it is" they both admit. "Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?" the American points in a direction. "You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets." The other two smile and nod in understanding. A few weeks later, the Russian politician extends an invitation to the other two to come to his home for a party. When they arrive, the two were surprised at how grand it was - it was a regal-looking mansion. They ask the Russian politician, "Where did you get the money to buy it from?" The Russian takes them outside, points in a direction and says: "You see that huge bridge over there? I used inferior materials and got 20% of the costs stashed in my personal account." The other two are impressed. A few weeks later, the Brazilian politician extends an invitation to the other two to come to his home for dinner. When they arrive, the two are astonished to see a palatial mansion with a fleet of cars on the front driveway. "How the heck did you get the money to get all THIS?" asked the Russian. "Do you see that bridge over there?" pointed the Brazilian politician. "No," said both, squinting in that direction. "Exactly."

Flower Puns

How Did You Know?

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must be in management." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Grocery Store Pick Up Lines

Well, It Can't Get Any Worse...

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!" At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

What Do You Call a Bird...

What bird can do more that others? A Pelican. What two birds met in the insane asylum? A Cuckoo and a Loon. What bird lives in Hollywood? A Starling. What bird can give you splinters? A woodpecker. What bird works in construction? A Crane. What bird loves guacamole? A Dipper. What do you call a bird that picks its nose? A Flicker. What do you call a bird that works at a restaurant? A Wader. What bird just got arrested? A Robin. What bird goes to church? A Cardinal. What is a man's favorite bird? A Swallow. What bird does drugs? A Junco. What bird wears a toupee? A Heron. What bird is in a band? A Rock Dove. What bird can't walk straight? A warbler. What bird parties the most? A Raven!

Avocado Puns

Mr. Know-It-All

A Physics professor had a student that was always late and always had an answer or an excuse. He decides to ask him a few questions in front of the class and put him on the spot. "Tell me, Michael, What is faster, light or sound?" "Well light, obviously." "Alright, why?" "Well, when I turn on my TV, I first see the picture and then comes the sound" The professor sighs and gives a you're-an-idiot look. He moves to the next student asks the same question. "What is faster, light or sound?" "Well obviously it is sound." "Uhhh what?? Why do you think this?" "Well when I turn on my TV, I first hear it and then comes the picture." Extremely annoyed the professor is now a bit pissed off. He believes that maybe the question is too hard for these pea brains and tries to vary it. The next student he asks "You are on the foot of a mountain. On the summit there is a cannon being fired. Do you first see the light of the fire or do you first hear the sound?" "Obviously you first see the light." Slightly hopeful the professor says "YES and why is that?" "Well the eyes are obviously further ahead than the ears."

Which One Do You Save?

A 65 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to bingo. Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest?" The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, which one would you save first?" So, because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, I am learning to swim!" A few days later, her son and his wife were quarreling again, and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked: " now tell me! If your mom and I fall into the water, whom will you save first?" The husband replied: "I don't have to get into the water. My mom knows how to swim, she will save you." The wife refused to relent: "No, you have to jump into the water, and have to save one of us. Which one will it BE?" Her husband replied: "Then I'm sorry to say you'll die anyway because I don't know to swim, and my mom will definitely save me first!"

Dad Puns

How Congress Truly Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position, then hired two people for the roles. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cut back on overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

I KNEW You Were Drunk

I got pulled over earlier today... Cop: “License and registration sir? You show signs of being drunk.” Me: “Officer I assure you I haven’t even had a sip.” Cop: “Alright sir, well how about a quick test. Imagine you’re driving down the dark road and see two lights in the distance, what is it?” Me: “A car..?” Cop: “Of course! But what kind? A Chevy, Dodge or a Ford?” Me: “How the hell am I supposed to know.” Cop: “Just as I suspected, you’ve been drinking.” Me: “But sir, I didn’t drink anything.” Cop: “Okay, then tell me, on the same dark road, one light shows up in the distance, what is it?” Me: “A motorcycle.” Cop: “Well DUH. I meant... is it a Honda, a Harley or a Kawasaki?” Me: “I have no idea!” Cop: “Go figure, you’re intoxicated.” Me: “Okay, then let me ask you this. You’re driving on the highway around midnight, and you see a woman on the roadside, wearing a miniskirt, fishnets, high heals, and a bra for a top. What would you call her?” Cop: “A hooker of course.” Me: “Yes of course, but is it your wife, your daughter, or your mother?” Long story short... things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...

Frankenstein Puns

Spring Puns

Is That You?

Wife and husband are sitting together sipping wine and watching a movie. The Wife suddenly whispers: "I Love You..." Husband: "Is that you or the wine talking?" Wife: "It's me, talking to the wine."

Beer Puns

Bread Puns

Food puns

Basketball Puns

Can You Let the Manager Know Please?

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she purrs, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman, evidently getting a bit hot under the collar by this point. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, touching his lips. "Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies' room."

What Brings You Here?

An architect vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?” The architect replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.” The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “how did you start the flood?”

Do I Really Need to Do That, Father?

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, I asked her to pay for the attic with sexual favors and she accepted," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands of the Germans had they found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

How to Get People Off Drugs

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for doing drugs. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday and you better have gotten some results or you're going straight to jail." On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? " "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your sphincter before prison... '"

What Do You WANT?

A man from Peru decided to visit America, although he spoke no English. Upon reaching it, one of the first thing he did was go into a department store. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines, (I want socks)" said the man. "I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines,(No I don't want suits, I want socks.)" said the man. "Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines, (No I don't want shirts, I want socks.)" repeated the man. "I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines,(No I don't want pants, I want socks)" insisted the man. As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es (Now that's it)!" "Then why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!?" yelled the salesgirl.

What Would You Do for 5000 Dollars?

2 couples were playing a round of poker one summer night, when one of the husbands, Bob, accidentally dropped a few of his chips on the floor. As he bent down to retrieve them, he couldn't help but notice that Jay's wife Kate was touching him with her foot in a very obvious way. Later, Bob went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Kate followed him and asked, "Do you like what you see?" Surprised by her boldness, Bob courageously admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $10,000." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Bob indicated that he was indeed interested. She told him that since her husband, Jay, works Friday afternoons and Bob doesn't, that Bob should be at her house around 2:00 PM, Friday afternoon. When Friday rolls around, Bob shows up at Jay's house to make love to Jay's wife at 2:00 PM sharp, and after paying her the agreed upon $10,000.00, they go to her bedroom and have a great time, just as Kate had promised. Afterwards, Bob quickly dresses and leaves. As was his habit at 6:00 PM, Jay returned home from work. Upon entering the house and encountering his wife, he asked loudly, "Did Bob come by with my money?" With a lump in her throat, his wife answered, "Oh yeah, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when Jay curtly asked, "And did he give you $10,000.00?" In terror she assumed she'd somehow been found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, she replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me a ten thousand dollars." Jay, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised Kate by saying, "Good, I was hoping so. Bob came by my office last night and borrowed 10 thousand dollars from me. He promised me he'd stop by this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Biology Puns

Time For Him to Know the Truth

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. "Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied. The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They sleep with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?" "They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.

Zombie Puns

Well, If You Ask...

Michael's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Michael replied... "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Michael his reward, he stops her by saying: "WHOA, hold on there sweetie... I haven't added them up yet!" P.S - Please let us know if you've seen him, we're very worried.

Fairy Puns

How Many Times Must You "Fall"?

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."

What Is This Contractor Doing?

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color." The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!" Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out of my window each time I tell you what color I'd like a room?" The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying turf across the street."

Pick Up Lines

Deer Puns

How to Keep Love Alive

Two eighty year-old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a cafe, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you the thrill of your life." "Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again, and I'll do it again." The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them had overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old timers at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 10 minutes of the most athletic love making the man has ever seen. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an entire hour. The young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this - not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could make love like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!" The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody make love like that, particularly at your age! What's your secret? Could you make love like that 50 years ago??" The pensioner replies, "I don't think so, son. 50 years ago, that fence wasn't electrified!"

Animal Puns

Potato Puns

Do We Know Each Other?

Two men are standing at the urinal, doing their business, when one starts to strike up a conversation. "Excuse me, sir, do you happen to be Jewish?" "Yes, indeed I am." "And do you happen to be from Krakow?" "Yes, how do you know?" "And you always went to the little synagogue in the Pitliwsky road? "Yes, do we know each other?" "No, but Rabbi Goldberg was responsible for the Bris there, and he was infamous for not being able to make a straight cut." "What does that have to do with anything?" "You're peeing on my shoes."

Mother Puns

Yeti/ Bigfoot Puns

Rabbit Puns

If You Can't Count On Family

Joshua calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama." The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up." "But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?" "It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain." "But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?" "No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow." "Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there." "Well, all right, I promise. Next week is a holiday. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the holiday meal. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore." A half hour later, Joshua receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there!" Joshua promises. After hanging up from his daughter, he turns to his wife and says, "You were right! They're coming, and we don't even have to pay our half of the tickets!"

Tiger Puns

You Can Tell It's Sunday

Bill and Marla thought that they had discovered a genius way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 12-year-old son in the apartment. He was promptly sent out on the balcony and told to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are making love." Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Winter Puns

I Can't Do That, Officer

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine." Sighs the officer. "I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac." Says the man. "If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar." "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm too drunk."

Poop Puns

I Wonder How Paul is So Fast

Paul got a part-time job at the Post Office. He was thrilled, because he had been looking for employment for a while, without any luck. It wasn’t long before his first day arrived, and he headed to the Post Office brimming with confidence. The first assignment his supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail. Paul separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. His supervisor was astounded as his speed. At the end of the first day, he approached Paul. "I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had." "Thank you, Sir," said Paul, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better." "Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do any better than you did today?" Paul replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses!"

Coffee Puns

You Sure That's What You Want?

A man was walking along a Californian beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No - think of another wish." The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...." The genie said, "You want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"

What Can Else Can You Do?

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

What Do I Look Like to You?

A married couple moves into to a new home. After a few days, as the husband returns home from work, his wife says to him, "Honey, one of the pipes in the bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?" "What do I look like, a plumber?" asks the husband, and goes to sleep. A few days later, the wife once again turns to her husband and says, "Honey, my car doesn't start. I think it may need a new battery. Could you change it for me?" "What do I look like, a mechanic?" asks the husband with a frown. A week goes by, and the wife once again turns to her husband and says, "Dear, the roof is leaking, could you do something about it?" "What do I look like, a roofer?" asks the husband. "Take care of these things yourself!" He then leaves home for a week on a business trip. "When I come back," he says to his wife, "I'd like all these things taken care of." He comes back a week later and is astonished to discover the roof is fixed, the car is running and the pipes are brand new. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls at his wife. "Nothing at all." said the wife. "The neighbor popped in and turns out he's a handyman. He said he'd fix the whole thing if I'd just bake him a cake or sleep with him." "Wow," said the husband. "What kind of cake did you make him?" "What do I look like," exclaims the wife, "a baker?"

Fish Puns

Do I Have...?

John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She turns to John and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice. . . . "Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Crab Puns

How Much Do You Charge?

A man finds himself in need of a good lawyer. He finds one online and goes to his office. After being allowed inside, he sits across from the lawyer. He needs legal help, but he wants to make sure he can afford it first. “Can you tell me how much you charge?” he asks. “Of course,” the lawyer replies, “I charge $800 to answer three questions.” The man was alarmed. “Don’t you think that’s an awful lot of money to answer three questions?” He inquired. “Yes it is”, answers the lawyer, “What’s your third question?”

Soccer Puns

Milk Puns

Knock Knock Jokes

Joe Knows How to Handle Things at Home

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

My Teacher Wants to See You...

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you." "What happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the bloody difference?' "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet." "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my penis??'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?" "Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "What the bloody hell was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father. "That's what I bloody said!"

You Can't Take It With You.

An old miser was close to dying. Due to his terrible cheapness, he had no friends nor family. Just before he died, he called his doctor, his lawyer and a minister to come see him. They complied, and gathered together around his bed. "I always heard you can't take it with you, but I am going to prove you can," he said. "I have $90,000 cash hidden underneath my mattress. It's in 3 envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each one of you to grab one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on my grave, you throw the envelopes in." Weeks later, the three attended the funeral, and true to their word, each threw their envelope into the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel so good about this, I am going to confess, I desperately needed $10,000 for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave." The doctor said, "I, too, must confess. I am building a clinic and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000." He looked ashamed. The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked and ashamed of both of you. I don't see how you could in good conscience hold on to that money. I threw in a personal check for the entire amount."

Dad Knows Best

A small town man decides to go to the city. He's a self sufficient guy so this is a rare occurrence, however finding himself low on essentials he decides there's nothing for it and heads in. Being something of a special occasion he takes his youngest child with him, thinking it was the perfect chance to show off his knowledge of the world outside to an eager audience. On the trip in, they chatter away until they arrive at their first stop, the bakery. Pulling up, the little one excitedly asks where they are. "Why this is John the Baker, youngest. You see, when Dad doesn't make any bread, John makes it for him." The little one stares at him wide eyed and asks "is it as good as yours?" With a small grin he replies "No, mine is better!" And off he went to get the bread. Arriving at their next stop, the little one again queries where they are. "Why this is Ted's Liquor store, youngest. You see, when Dad doesn't make any beer, Ted makes it for him." The little one stares at him, thinking hard, and asks "is it as good as yours?" With a bigger grin he replies "no, mine is better!" and off he went to get some beer. At their final stop, the butcher's shop, the little one thinks the world makes a lot more sense now. "So then Dad..." his smallest child begins, and looks at him expectantly. "Yes that's right little one. This is Tom the Butcher. And when Dad hasn't made any sausages...." he trails off. "... Tom makes them for you?" She asks hesitantly. "Yes that's right! You are a smart one!" He exclaimed. "And yours are better!!" She shouts. Beaming with pride he says "Exactly!" And away he goes to collect some sausages from Tom. On the road home they pass the postal truck coming the other way. "Hey Dad!" Exclaimed the little one. "It's Pete the Postman!" "Yes that's right" said the farmer, but sensing what comes next he quickly continued "but we need Pete, your Dad is a farmer and can do a lot of things but I can't do what Pete does." "Oh yes!" she replied, "Mum says so too!"

How to Tell Boys and Girls Apart

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat. "What did you do today?" I asked. She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls!" she chirped. Looking into the rearview mirror, I could just see the top of her head. "My teacher told us that boys have a thing and girls don't," she added. "Well, yes they do..." I said cautiously. I couldn't think of anything else to say, so we were quiet for a moment. Then she piped up again. "That's how girls know that boys are boys," she said. "They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he is a boy." I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute already felt like an hour. "Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?" she asked. My palms were beginning to sweat. "Um...well…" I was still searching for something new to say, to change the subject when she asked, "Why do the girls like the boys to have those things?" Well, I didn't know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn't asked herself that question at least once? "Oh, well...um..." I stammered. She didn't wait for my answer. She had her own. "It's ‘cause it moves when they walk and then the girls see that and that's when they know they are boys and that's when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, and then the girl knows he likes her, too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked." That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole, I thought she had a pretty good grasp on things. As soon as we got home and I pulled into the garage, she hopped out of the car, fishing something out of her school bag. "I drew a picture," she said. "Do you want to see?" I wasn't sure I did, but I looked at it anyway. I had to sit down. There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers were standing tall and proud. She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing, and I laughed until I cried. But when I told her I loved it … and I did … she got over her pique. That was the end of that, for her anyway. But I'm not so lucky. Every year I remember that conversation. And to be honest, I haven't looked at a turkey, or a man, the same way since.

Flamingo Puns

Owl Puns

I Know Exactly Where to Put You

One day, three unemployed factory workers heard that a large food company was enlarging and needed more staff. So they went downtown to see if they could get themselves a job. After filling out their applications, each one was interviewed and each one managed to get hired. As they were waiting to be assigned their new duties, a foreman came by and spoke to the hiring boss. The foreman told the boss that he didn't think it was such a good idea as one of the workers had snapped for no apparent reason at his last job. Also, a second was said to have had cracked up after severe mental stress. The third, he believed was their father who he felt was a bit odd but he couldn't put his finger on it. The hiring boss reassured the foreman and said that they would start on something easy and after a week, the company would re-assess them to see if they would be kept on. The foreman reluctantly agreed and asked the boss where he thought they should start. The boss replied, "Why not take them and put them in our Cereal Division - Snap, Crackle, and Pop should work out fine down there."

Quotes

How to Turn Tomatoes Red

A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the tomatoes won’t ripen. She goes to her neighbor and says, ”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?” The man replies, ”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.” She says to herself "Well, what the heck it can’t hurt to try it." Next day her neighbor asks how it worked. “So so,” she answers. “The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.”

Car puns

How Did She Know??

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests. For once, they'll enjoy a vacation as regular people. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on the beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good morning, Father,' and 'Good morning, Father.', nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said: 'Good morning, Father,' and 'Good morning, Father.' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' 'Father, it's me,' she replied, 'Sister Philomena!'

Bomb Puns

One Liners for Kids

Friendship Quotes

Family Puns

How to Get Permission

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf. One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority - figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of." The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group who was staring at them like they had lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning - golf course or intercourse?" She said, "Don't forget your hat."'

Skeleton Puns

It's Going to Cost You...

One day, while walking through the Garden of Eden, Adam looked up to the Heavens and spoke to God. "Father, this place is great, but there is one thing missing," he said. "What is that my son?" God asked. "Well, it would be nice to have a mate: I'm awfully lonely down here and all the other animals have mates but me. All I'm asking for is: a creature more beautiful than the Garden, one who likes making love like I do, never has a headache, will cook, clean and be at my beck and call morning, noon and night," pleaded Adam. "Wow, that's a tall order, though perhaps I have just such a creature in mind. But," said the Lord, "it's going to cost you big time." "Oh yeah, how much?" said Adam "An arm and a leg," replied God. Adam thought this over for quite some time and then asked: "Well, what can I get for a rib?"

Mommy, What Were You Doing?

Little Suzie walks in on her parents making love. She's told to wait downstairs. Her mother comes down first and tries to console her. "Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?" "Well sweetheart, you know how your father's a little overweight? Every day I bounce up and down on top of him to let some of the air out." The little girl starts laughing. "What's so funny hunny?" asks her mother. "You're wasting your time mommy. Every day when you go to work, the neighbor comes over and blows him right back up!"

How Experts Ask for a Raise

An Austrian maid asks the wife who employs her for a pay raise. The wife became very angry about this and decided to talk to her about this raise. She asked, “Now Anna, why do you think you should get a pay increase?" "Well, madam, there are tree reasons why I should. The 1st is that I do iron better than you." Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?” Anna: “Your husband he say so.” Wife: “Oh yeah?” The second reason: “Annaeez that I am a better cook than you.” Wife: “That's a lie, who said you were a better cook than me?” Anna: “Your hozban he did.” Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?” Anna: “The third reason is that I am better than you in bed.” The wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth, asks, “And did my husband say that as well?” Anna: “No Madam… The gardener did.” A moment of silence passes... "So... how much do you want?”

Dinosaur Puns

How Mommy and Daddy Met

A boy goes to his father and asks him: "Daddy, how was I born?" "Ah, very well," His dad sighed. "One day you'll find out anyway. How shall I put it in a way your generation will understand... Well," he said "mom and dad got together in a chat room. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber café. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story!"

Onion Puns

Beaver Puns

Snow Puns

Spice Puns

What to Do With a Dead Horse

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died." Joe replied, "Well, then just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I've spent it already." Joe said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with it?" Joe said, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle a dead horse!" Joe said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?" Joe said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece and made a profit of $2495." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Joe said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back."

What kind of Animal Are You?

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, Ker-Plop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see." "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out." So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... you must be a bunny rabbit!" Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?" And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him. When he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?" So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a politician!"

How Did You Get Her to Do That?

Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end." The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body all over with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes. The old Jewish man says, "Well last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love and she screamed for 6 hours. The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you possibly have done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?" "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

Science Puns

Elephant Puns

Dog Puns

Funny Running Quotes

How to Avoid Fatherhood

A pretty blond woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?" "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messing with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. 5 years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "You remember that blonde woman that came by here about 5 years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah", says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not." "Then let's take these bloody things off!"

Why Do You Keep Doing It?

A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says “OK,” and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms. Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he’ll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms. The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, “OK,” and goes back to the pharmacy and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. Finally, the pharmacist asks, “Look, if it makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?”

Cheese Puns

Are You Sure You Have Enough?

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra. "How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist. The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces." Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intercourse." The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about that anymore. I just want it to stick out enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

How to Stand Up For Yourself

A man was in a bar with his buddies, recounting the events of the previous week. It was payday the previous Friday, so he had decided to stay out with his friends for a spot of drinking. An evening out turned into a whole weekend of partying, and he only returned home on Sunday night, to bear his wife's inevitable wrath. “My wife wasn’t too pleased that I didn’t show up for a whole weekend,” he said. “What did she say to you?” asked his buddies. “Well, she just nagged for what seemed like an eternity, then at one point, she asked me how I’d like it if I didn’t see her for two or three days,” he replied. “And what did you say?” they asked. “I told her it would be fine by me!” “So did she leave?” "Well no, she didn’t leave, but the joke’s on her. On the third day, my left eye opened up a little bit."

How About That Duck, Sir?!?

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The lawyer thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "You can have the duck."

Easter Pick Up Lines

You Can Stop That Now

A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for Cats, which was making its long-anticipated return to Broadway. Suddenly, he felt a pair of hands kneading into his back. Startled by this blatant intrusion of personal space, he turned around to find out that it was a complete stranger standing in line behind him doing the kneading. Giving the stranger a stern look, the kneading stopped for a few minutes, but he felt hands working on his back again soon enough. "Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back, and what on earth makes you think you have the right to do so without asking me first?" "Oh, I’m so sorry… I'm a chiropractor you see," the man replied, "and sometimes I just can't keep myself from practicing my skills." "Well, you should really get a hold of yourself – it’s not appropriate to be touching the backs of random men without their permission," the lawyer shot back. "In fact, I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing just any old guy in front of me, do you!?"

Did You Know That Americans Eat Dogs?

Decades ago, two Irish nuns have just arrived to the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: "Which part did you get?"