How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
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