I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
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