A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
New electric trains will run on conductors.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
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