Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.