Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
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