As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
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