Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
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