The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
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