"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
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