My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
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