He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
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