If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
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