Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
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