A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Go to BabaMail
