What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.