What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
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