My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
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