Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
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