We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
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