They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
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