SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
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