I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
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