Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
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