What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.