“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Orange you excited for Halloween?
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
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