On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
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