Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
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