I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
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