I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O