What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
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