Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
Orange you excited for Halloween?
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
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