Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
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