What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Your good weed for the day.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
I beg your garden?
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
It’s party thyme.
Long thyme no see.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
I’m very frond of you.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
Seed between the lines.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
Ants in your plants.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
All things must grass.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
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