What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
You’re unbeleafable.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
Your good seed for the day.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
Ants in your plants.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
All clover the world.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
Herb your enthusiasm.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
I’m rooting for you!
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
Leaf me alone.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
Don’t moss around.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
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