I’m very frond of you.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
Leaf me alone.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
All things must grass.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
Herb your enthusiasm.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
That’s a bit mulch.
In the eyes of the lawn.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
Trowel and error.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
Long thyme no see.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
I’ll never leaf you.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
You’re unbeleafable.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
I beg your garden?
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
We’re mint to be.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
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