Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
All things must grass.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
It’s party thyme.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
In the eyes of the lawn.
You’re unbeleafable.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
One trick peony.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
I’ll never leaf you.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
We’re mint to be.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Seed between the lines.
I’m rooting for you!
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Trowel and error.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
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