I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
Let me plant one on ya!
One trick peony.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
You’re unbeleafable.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
Long thyme no see.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
Seed between the lines.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
All things must grass.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Ants in your plants.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
I beg your garden?
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
Do you need some encourage-mint?
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
In on the ground flora.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
I’m rooting for you!
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
I’ll never leaf you.
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