A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
Don’t moss around.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
All clover the world.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
We’re mint to be.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
In the eyes of the lawn.
I’m rooting for you!
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
Long thyme no see.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
Your good weed for the day.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
Let me plant one on ya!
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
I beg your garden?
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.