Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
You’re unbeleafable.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
All clover the world.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
All things must grass.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
In the eyes of the lawn.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
Your good seed for the day.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
Seed between the lines.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
That’s a bit mulch.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
One more thyme.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Herb your enthusiasm.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
Have you botany plants lately?
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
In on the ground flora.
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