The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
Your good weed for the day.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
Your good seed for the day.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
Long thyme no see.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
Trowel and error.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
I beg your garden?
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
Herb your enthusiasm.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
That’s a bit mulch.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
One more thyme.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
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