What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
Long thyme no see.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
Seed between the lines.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
We’re mint to be.
Leaf me alone.
Herb your enthusiasm.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
All clover the world.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
One trick peony.
It’s party thyme.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
That’s a bit mulch.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
Your good weed for the day.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
I’ll never leaf you.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
All things must grass.
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