I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
It’s party thyme.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
I’m rooting for you!
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
I’m very frond of you.
I beg your garden?
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
In the eyes of the lawn.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Your good weed for the day.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
Seed between the lines.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
Leaf me alone.
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