I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
Have you botany plants lately?
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
All clover the world.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
Ants in your plants.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
Long thyme no see.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
I’m kind of a big dill.
Let me plant one on ya!
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
I’ll never leaf you.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
One more thyme.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
All things must grass.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
You’re unbeleafable.
I beg your garden?
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Herb your enthusiasm.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
One trick peony.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
I’m very frond of you.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
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