You’re unbeleafable.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
Ants in your plants.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
Seed between the lines.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
Trowel and error.
In on the ground flora.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
I beg your garden?
I’m kind of a big dill.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
I’ll never leaf you.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
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