If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Seed between the lines.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
I’m very frond of you.
Herb your enthusiasm.
Leaf me alone.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
In the eyes of the lawn.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
Ants in your plants.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Don’t moss around.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
I beg your garden?
I’m kind of a big dill.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.