Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
One trick peony.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
Don’t moss around.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
All clover the world.
That’s a bit mulch.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
You’re unbeleafable.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
Seed between the lines.
I’m very frond of you.
Trowel and error.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
All things must grass.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Your good seed for the day.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
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