I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
Let me plant one on ya!
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
Your good seed for the day.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
I’m rooting for you!
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
In on the ground flora.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
One trick peony.
In the eyes of the lawn.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
One more thyme.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
Your good weed for the day.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
We’re mint to be.
Ants in your plants.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
I beg your garden?
It’s party thyme.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
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