Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
You shamrock my world.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
What happens when two snails get into a fight? They slug it out!
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
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